I’ve always hated labels. Not the kind you find on food packages but the labels we give each other.
Sitting here in a cafe in Peckham I could typecast whom I see: coffee snobs, dog lovers, remote workers, Londoners, artists, Apple enthusiasts, hipsters, hustlers, and health buffs. I could also hone in on gender, race, age, class, or a myriad of other labels.
The reality is that we oversimply the data we receive through our own filters of personal experience and preferences. Our brains select about 40 bits of information out of the 11 million we receive every second!
While I don’t like to pigeonhole, consciously or unconsciously, we all judge.
Presenting Ourselves
Reassuringly, there are ways to undo our pre-programmed scripts. Sociologist Irving Goffman used theatre actors as a metaphor to suggest that we present ourselves in everyday life. Behind the plethora of roles we play — friend, colleague, customer, upright citizen—there’s really no identifiable ‘performer’.
We have no psychological identity. We merely occupy the role we happen to play at a given time and in a specific context.
I love this idea that our character is not fixed because it helps me avoid snap-judging—giving someone the benefit of the doubt to ‘play’ someone other than their current self. Plus it also affords me an identity that can change with the setting.
Cultural Intelligence
Adopting a different lens through which to see yourself and the world takes deliberate practice. Part of my job is helping clients change their narratives. If gaining an entirely fresh perspective could be achieved in solitude with the snap of a finger—I’d be out of work.
Of course, there are many ways to change your worldview that doesn’t involve coaching. One such method is by improving your cultural intelligence (CQ). If you have a high CQ then you have a keen ability to shift your perception by understanding, empathizing, and relating to a culture outside of your own.
My friend and educator Mo-Ling Chui helps corporations (well the people inside of them) to boost their CQ quotient. She explains that the buzzword cultural intelligence is:
‘Diversity-lite’ like a lite beer - easier to down and more palatable than a whisky shot of anti-bias, anti-racism design, and culture change work.
Mo-Ling purposefully changes contexts and frames of reference so she can challenge her biases. Here are just a few ways that you can flex your CQ muscles:
✔ Responding to a person and not their label
✔ Identifying your unconscious biases through feedback
✔ Asking generous, powerful, and different styles of questions
✔ Seeking first to understand, then act
✔ Engaging in high-contrast conversations
✔ Cultivating deep and diverse relationships
✔ Learning the language, values, rules, norms, and rituals of a culture
✔ Travelling (my personal favorite)
Self Transformation
Another place to look for answers to become less judgy is psychologist Robert Kegan’s adult development theory. The fourth stage is your internal capacity to define your beliefs, identity, and social relations. About a third of all adults operate in this realm of self-authorship.
In the fifth stage, something rare occurs. You become unattached to identity and roles. No longer do you see people and the world as black or white, but simply as different shades of grey.
While a self-transforming mind is aspirational I imagine it can be liberating. Letting go of an attachment to how we’ve been in the past, are behaving at this moment, or might act in the future can generate expansiveness. I reckon it could also create a sense of bewilderment.
I can be stubborn, spontaneous, and silly. I can also be patient, persistent, and proud. While these are labels, I do not occupy them full-time. When I see that I have no fixed character and my identity is always in flux—then it’s up to me to weave together a coherent sense of self.
According to Goffman, the world is a stage. When we’re ‘onstage’ in everyday life we seek to be viewed in the best possible light. Backstage however we can drop our pre-ordained roles. In this hidden more private space we can remove our masks and kick our legs up.
I think when we allow ourselves to be seen and truly see others—labels melt away. And something becomes undeniably clear:
We are all the same. And we are all different.
Personality Types 🙃
Once I realized that my attempts to remain unlabelable were futile and I came to see that I am not my work—I became fascinated by those qualities in ourselves that others can’t ‘see’.
Personality tests can provide insight into those tendencies that may have been out of our purview. They can act as anchors to find our place on the world’s stage. Some personality tests that I’ve nerded out on with varying degrees of delight include:
Myers Briggs
If you have a friend who's an INFJ (Advocate) I’m quite confident they’ve let you know. I’m an INFP (Mediator) and had to take the test again today to jog my memory.
The MBTI is the most popular personality inventory borrowed from Jungian theory. I love what Adam Grant wrote about this test: ”Giving me a thinking-feeling score is not like assessing whether I’m right-handed or left-handed. It’s more like evaluating whether I prefer soccer or Swiss cheese.” The test is not rooted in science and I imagine it will continue to fall out of favor with companies who have sworn by it in the past.
Enneagram
Nine personality types to discover who you are. Even though this test is not scientifically backed, I’m still a fan as it often helps people with self-reflection and personal growth. When I discovered I was The Enthusiast (7) - it made a lot of sense.
Human Design
Using your birth information to reveal your genetic design to help you identify what you do best. Some say it’s a new age-inspired pseudo-scientific practice. Some believe it’s a cult. Others say it’s an empirical practice pulling from science and psychology. As a Manifest Generator myself, I say it’s just good old fashion fun.
Sabatoeurs
I’ve been using this assessment with coaching clients for several years now. The 9 subtypes all live under your Grand Poobah inner judge. Most people I’ve worked with tend to have two or more ‘prominent’ Sabatoeurs that we work with to become more aware of and manage better. I’ve worked on my Sabateours for years now and my two most prominent (albeit much weaker than when I began) are the Pleaser and Hyper Achiever.
Worthy Inputs 🥢
Worldbuilding is Creative Resilience (The Ideaspace)
Cultural Intelligence (Mind Tools)
Who Are you Really? The Puzzle of Personality (TED)
The 23 Best Personality Tests (WorkStyle)
How Hard it is to Be Yourself (Amble)
Pharrell and Rick Rubin in Conversation(GQ)
The Truth about Ikagai (Sloww)
2023 Predications (Medium)
10 Visions of 2023 (Radar)
The Lazy Report (It’s Nice That)
Sometimes I ask myself why write? This read helped me answer that: “Writing is the process by which you realize that you do not understand what you are talking about. Importantly, writing is also the process by which you figure it out.” (FS)
Power up 🔋
I have two spots open for my 1:1 coaching this spring. If you’d like to see things differently, let’s have a no-pressure curiosity conversation. Book a time here.
My friend and collaborator Alice Katter is hosting an event for a more regenerative and playful future of work. You can sign up for that here.
Another friend Jonny Miller is running a powerful course called Nervous System Mastery. I will be attending and you can learn more about it here.
What I’m Reading 📚
Eden Project by James Hollis
Wintering by Katherine May
It Didn’t Start with You by Mark Wolynn
Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom
The Choice by Edith Eger
Shout out to Dustin Liu for the inspiration to write this all.
Happy Spring! 🍃
“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play, than in a year of conversation.”
-Plato